The Drunken Communist Manifesto

(A note from the Party Castro: The following was sent to me by one of our more fringe members whose love for revolution and ideology is only matched by his questionable fashion choices made in the name of irony. Please enjoy.)

Comrades,

Our nascent revolution has already become bloated with all the trappings of the bourgeois we oh so recently were committed to destroying: DESIGNATED DRIVERS, MIXED DRINKS, PAYING FOR ALCOHOL, SLEEP. Since it seems that some of our less devoted comrades have abandoned these most central of our principle enemies, I’mma give a brief outline.

ALWAYS REMEMBER that all we do is predicated on the need to transfer ownership of the means of production of parties to the proletariat. Once we’ve liberated the party capital from the hands of the bourgeois elite, we will create a partier’s paradise:

• A NONSTOP PARTY—there will be no persona, sequestered BOURGEOIS “home,” and no exclusive, private BOURGEOIS “parties”; rather, EVERYWHERE will be a party. As such, we will eliminate the need for cars, and thus for people to drive them. END THE REIGN OF THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

• NO FUCKING SLEEP—this is both self-explanatory and closely related to point 1. To reiterate I’ll subvert one of the favorite techniques of the BOURGEOIS and use a very obviously relevant mainstream rap lyric: I NEVER SLEEP CUZ SLEEP IS THE COUSIN OF DEATH.

• STEAL FROM THE bourgeois—ok so everyone agrees that stealing from the BOURGEOIS is necessary to provide party Bolsheviks with raw party materials, but we need to be sure NOT TO STEAL FROM EACH OTHER. With that in mind, I’ll let slip my favorite technique: GO TO PARKING LOTS WHERE TAILGATING HAS BEEN HAPPENING DURING HOME FOOTBALL GAMES AND STEAL LIQUOR AND BEER FROM THE COOLERS OF THE PIGS.

• ONLY DRINK ALCOHOL—this is admittedly a fringe a position, but no one ever said revolution would be easy. TO REACH PARTY UTOPIA WE MUST PARTY PURELY AND THAT MEANS NOT MIXING OUR ALCOHOL WITH THE bourgeois CRUTCHES LIKE OJ MILK OR SQUIRT. Although I am all too aware of the human body’s need for hydration—and grudgingly accept that people might drink a glass of pure water from time to time—mixed drinks represent weakness.

So let me tell you about my weekend. I DRANK STOLEN LIQUOR STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE BY MYSELF FOR 50 CONSECUTIVE HOURS AND THIS WILL BRING ABOUT REVOLUTION.

-OLD MAJOR