On Christmas Day, the only cafe that’s open is Asia Cafe.
Now I want to talk about my theory of PJ distribution. In any model, the first step is to figure out what it is we want to optimize; in this case, fun. But that’s too nebulous a concept, and not entirely dependent on PJ distribution, so let’s be more specific: I want to maximize the total amount of drunk-time experienced by people I like while they are at the party. Note that drunk-time by people who are there but I don’t actually like is exogenous to this model, as is, more subtly, passed-out time by anyone: by drunk-time, then, I actually mean functional drunk-time.
As such, the solution is not to emphasize fast, indiscriminate consumption—that leads to passing out, and also to the There’s No Alcohol Left Let’s Leave effect, which is especially problematic as it most often affects the coolest people (those who show up the latest). And if you’re in the mood for completely fictitious proper nouns, boy howdy.
This graph is taken from research I did for a related piece in The New Yorker. In this model, PJ consumption goes through four distinct stages, which I’ll outline here:
· Stage A “First Cup”: Everybody needs to get their first cup, and until they do, there’s gonna be a line for that PJ, keeping consumption at a steady rate—the maximum we’ll see.
· Stage B “Party Proper”: As people finish their first cup, they come back for more. This reaches a head at some point, the maximum of Stage B, which is important for my analysis; let’s call this the point of Optimal Natural Consumption (ONC).
· Stage C “Last Grab”: When people realize that the PJ is almost gone, they tend to try and make sure they get a last cup. Ever take an Environmental Science course? This is the Tragedy of the Commons in action.
· Stage D “There’s None Left...unless you’re super drunk”: Assuming, as is often the case, that the PJ container has hard sides, and is being ladled out with, well, a ladle, then it is very difficult to get the last bit out. No one wants to be seen digging around the PJ jug for two minutes just for that last half cup—that’s pathetic! But, inevitably, someone will stumble along who understands that dignity is totally fucking bougie, and who will gladly take the last of the PJ.
As its name might suggest, the ONC is where total drunk-time is optimized. For you math nerds out there who want proof, just take the derivative—you’ll find I know what I’m talking about. But so how do we keep consumption at or near the ONC? One major pitfall is stage C, which we’ll try to eliminate altogether. Stage A is a necessity, but we don’t want to artificially prolong it.
My first solution, the one I used during my birthday party (thanks for coming out guys! Shout outs to Party Caesar +1—or more accurately, +9.5—and Party Ethel Rosenberg!), was simply to make two batches of PJ sequentially. This did lead to two visits to the land of ONC, but if anything, made the Last Cup phenomenon even more prominent. Clearly, this is not a perfect solution.
My final answer requires a bit of micromanaging, but then, what truly Bolshevik activity doesn’t? Make two batches, but only make the first one available. Then, just when the first batch passes ONC, ADD MORE. Do it subtly. This behavior can help eliminate the mercuriality of PJ consumption. And people might even begin to think that there’s something magical about the PJ!
That, my friends, can make any party into a Truly Bolshevik Hanukkah Party.
--OLD MAJOR
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